With half of this podcast leaving Hivebent and the other half entering it, it might be a good time to pause and take stock. Also I think my past self promised to do this episode during an angry fit it was throwing at my even paster self? Who knows. Anyway, I recap the first four acts of homestuck, which is generally considered the first part of the story, and the "classic flavor" version before things started getting weird with trolls and cherubs and a bunch of other kids and weird crap. See you later this week for the start of Hivebent!
Read MoreEpisode 21: Let Me Tell You About The Ultimate Riddle
If your fate is set in stone, how can your decisions matter? What's the point of knowing the future if there's nothing you can do to change it? If the game is rigged from the start, why bother playing? And most importantly: why does John love Con Air so friggin' much?
Read MoreEpisode 20: Let Me Tell You About Ectobiology
Chess pieces both figurative and literal are moving into place as the kids' Reckoning rapidly approaches. Jack Noir murders the Black King, WV assembles an army, Rose and Dave suit up, and I BLOW ASHLEY'S MIND when John takes a fateful trip into the Veil.
Read MoreEpisode 19: Let Me Tell You About Inevitability
Hug your loved ones tight John, because things are about to take a TURN. Luke and Ashley watch as John kills himself and forces Dave to consign an entire timeline to oblivion to save him, while Jack Noir finally lashes out and claims his bloody, brutal destiny. All the signs seem to point to the future being unchangeable and unescapable. But if that's the case, then what does it mean that the kids are apparently doomed to failure?
SPOILER WARNING: We talk about The Big Act 6 Reveal in this episode because Ashley already sort of knew about it! If you're new to Homestuck, skip ahead at 1:04:00 to 1:07:00.
Read MoreEpisode 18: Let Me Tell You About Seers and Queens
The pieces are beginning to fall into place as the kids dig deeper into SBURB and Luke and Ashley dig deeper into Act 4. They learn about the roles the exiles play, the complicated time travel nonsense the trolls have gotten themselves tangled up in, and the alchemiter's upgrade system. The trolls' Seer arrives on the scene, taunting our heroes and threatening to murder them. And most importantly of all, Luke makes good on a very important promise.
Read MoreEpisode 17: Let Me Tell You About Salamanders
Dangit Ashley, way to scoop me on "Let Me Tell You About LOWAS"!
Ashley and I take our first, stumbling steps out into the Land of Wind and Shade. We learn about secret wizards, crumpled hats, and the sacred nature of frogs. Before we can even stop to catch our breath, Rose enters her own world, the Land of Light and Rain. As she fondly regards the Lisa Frank notebook she's been banished to, Dave and Jade get to work setting up Dave's session, and our friends in the distant future bask in the glow of the human emotion called friendship.
Read MoreEpisode 16: Let Me Tell You About The Felt
As Luke and Ashley continue to wind their way through The Felt's mansion, more of its secrets are slowly exposed. Who is Lord English? What's the deal with Snowman? How is Spades Slick connected to Jack Noir? Along the way, Luke taunts Ashley with all the Homestuck Secrets he knows, and the two take a moment to present a very important PSA.
Episode 15: Let Me Tell You About Spades Slick
I'm finally releasing an episode that was referenced by Ashley and Molly two alpha episodes ago! It wouldn't be a Homestuck podcast without a convoluted timeline. Fresh out of Act 3, we find ourselves filled with questions, but of course Homestuck isn't keen on answering any of them. Instead, we take off on an apparently completely unrelated adventure through the mansion of the time-traveling mobster gang, The Felt. Spades Slick is on a mission to destroy clocks, murder green men, and drop maddening hints about the larger nature of Homestuck's universe.
Episode 14: Let Me Tell You About Making Things Hapen
It's a Homestuck double-header today! Luke and Ashley barrel onward toward the end of Act 3, exploring John's love for his friends, the Aimless Renegade's crush on the Peregrine Mendicant, and Jack Noir's begrudging respect for John's dad. We also get some hints about the nature of Jade's future-sight, meet a few more trolls, and Ashley endorses my erstwhile OTP before everything rockets headlong into the end of Act 3.
Episode 13: Let Me Tell You About Gristmas
John and Rose spend some time chatting about the recent revelation of John's psychological issues, while Jade's dream self explores Prospit, the planet orbiting Skaia. Meanwhile, WV and PM get a heaping helping of bullets from the Aimless Renegade, and Homestuck makes a bunch of Bill Cosby jokes that were wayyyyyyyyyyyyy funnier in 2009.
Episode 12: Let Me Tell You About Shocking Revelations
Homestuck is a comic within a comic within Homestuck! Jade's grandpa has been dead for years! Rose's mom is some kind of mad scientist that helped create SBURB! John's dad is just a boring businessman! Spades Slick is really Jack Noir! Gushers are made by Betty Crocker! Becquerel is some kind of interdimensional hellbeast! Dave's bro is kind of a huge jerk! Wait, I guess we knew that last one already...
Episode 11: Let Me Tell You About Jade Harley
It's a new act, and with it comes a new character! Jade arrives on the scene to complete our original quartet of characters. She plays a silly flute refrain, fertilizes the HECK outta some plants, and tells us all about her love of guns, fresh produce, and furries. Oh and also she deeeeefinitely gets cancer from constantly exposing herself to uranium. RIP Jade.
Episode 10: Let Me Tell You About Cantown
It's time to get Ashley formally acquainted with the secret best character in Homestuck, the Wawyward Vagabond. Luke and Ashley boggle vacantly at his shenanigans as he constructs an elaborate fantasy of municipal democracy, inadvertantly forshadows details of events to come, makes friends with a cute little firefly, and eats every vaguely green-colored object in sight.
Episode 9: Let Me Tell You About Ironic Child Abuse
Me and Ashley continue exploring Dave's um... unfortunate home life, as he sifts through piles upon piles of plush puppet ass to build an assortment of deadly replica anime weapons to challenge his Bro with, accidentally participating in puppet snuff films along the way. It's not all sex dungeons and criminal neglect though, as John takes some inspiration from famed Night Court actor Harry Anderson to unlock the secrets of SBURB's punchard-based crafting system, and it's a good thing because it looks like he'll need it soon! Oh, and also? As of this episode, Ashley is OFFICIALLY A HOMESTUCK FAN. WELCOME TO THE DARK CARNIVAL, SISTER
Episode 8: Let Me Tell You About Slaying Imps
This episode is all about... learning! John learns how to handle himself better in a fight, some of the basics of punch-card alchemy, and a little bit about some of the secrets his dad's been keeping from him. Rose learns how to help John in combat and how to use SBURB's building mechanics constructively. The Wandering Vagabond learns about human etiquette. And Dave... well okay Dave doesn't learn anything.
Episode 7: Let Me Tell You About Smuppets
John's conversation with his Nanna ends on a sour note, as she reveals that there's no hope for saving the earth. What a bummer! Luke and Ashley trudge on undeterred, as John stubbornly refuses to eat cookies, the Wayward Vagabond discovers a textbook on human etiquette, Rose does some more walkthrough writing, and Dave, um, starts to realize some things about his brother.
Episode 6: Let Me Tell You About Skaia
Luke and Ashley venture deeper into Act 2, as John experiences his first real battle and at last meets his clownma, and Rose makes the dangerous trek through the storm to her dead cat's mausoleum. Along the way, they discuss some of Homestuck's more problematic language, and also the Knife Show for some reason??
Episode 5: Let Me Tell You About Rose Lalonde
Luke and Ashley sit down to get a little bit more acquainted with the first prominent female character in Homestuck. We learn about her intense psychological war with her mother, her mom's ironic and infuriating love of wizards, and Rose's creativity in the world of refrigerator magnet insults. Along the way, we talk about some of Ashley's film school misadventures, the uncomfortable "racestuck" controversy, Ashley's deep and abiding love of The Mountain Goats, and a bunch of other silly nonsense that is only tangentially related to Homestuck.
Episode 4: Let Me Tell You About Dave Strider
There's this really cool dude, okay? He's named Dave, and this episode's almost exclusively about getting to know him. Me and Ashley learn all about his complex post-ironic irony, his hit webcomic Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, and also... talk about the long-forgotten webtoon series Bonus Stage for some reason? Basically this episode is super chill and super cool, so just sit back, crack into a bottle of AJ, and try not to accidentally murder any crows with your unbelievably cool replica katana.
Episode 3: Let Me Tell You About the End of the World
Ashley and Luke dive headlong into Act 2, and struggle horribly to make interesting radio out of the act's opening flash game. John has escaped the incoming meteor by transporting himself to a mysterious void, but meteors are now coming down all across the globe. John and Rose get to work figuring out the deeper secrets of SBURB in order to learn how to save the earth, though their progress is impeded by a mysterious voice from the future. Also, Ashley tricks me into letting her talk about wrestling for like 15 minutes.